Lately things have just been okay I guess. Though some what tough though too. I tend to think about stuff while I am doing the normal stuff I am doing during the day while here at home. Though I love being with Beelze, the love of my life, I still think back about home and everything. I tend to start realizing some things late at night because I can't sleep at all and just am online all night until about 4 or 5am in the morning. I am just online posting on gaia, posting here, playing the face book applications, playing the myspace applications, role playing on yahoo with a friend or something of the sort. Usually snacking on candy while doing so and drinking water. I am slowly breaking my crave for sodas which is a good thing because I don't have the money to afford much soda at the time.

So yeah pretty much things I am realizing more often is that my trust in others can be a bit harder to have because of a lot. It is mainly my siblings I have no trust in at all. I mean about 2 weeks or so ago, I had texted my sister Aimee, (mind you, my siblings are older than me. I am the baby of the family and i am the only one blood related to both my parents. Some have the same dad as me but then the others have the same dad as me. Long story for all that maybe will tell later or something. Aimee is my dads daughter.) and so when texting her I asked her if she could do me a favor. She had told me before I moved to Washington state to live with my sister Adrienne (My parents and I both moved to live with her), that if I needed anything to just let her know and she will get it for me or help. She has told me long before that, that if I had ever needed help that she would help me. And currently now I live in New York since I moved out. I asked her if she could go into the storage back in California, (since she lives near the city where we had the storage. And she has a key to it) and look through my two boxes in storage, (I only had two in there so I don't see why it would be too much trouble, except finding the two out of the many that had my name on them) and to get my High School Diploma for me and to Fed Ex it to me. She said she would try to do it soon and this was back in October when I asked her. She said that earliest she could go and get it was the next day but the latest was Friday. I needed my High School Diploma for some information stuff for Job Corps. My mistake was telling her that I needed it before November 10th. She then told me in text, "Okay well then I will take my time." I was thinking what the hell is she thinking. I told her to at least try and get it to me a week before then because I rather have it ahead of time than to be freaking out and not having it. Does she even go and get it? No, not at all. I ended up having to order both my transcripts from high school and from college, so that I could have that at least for proof I graduated high school and was in college for a short time. I don't get why she couldn't help me just a little with this one favor. I mean she was the one who told me that she would help me if I needed it and she isn't the only one who has said that stuff.

I would have asked my sister Angie (another of my dads daughters) if she could go to the storage and try and find it for me but I decided not to because of the condition she is in during her pregnancy and though I don't know if I can trust her or not, because of other reasons not pertaining to this time but a few other times, I don't dwell on thinking I can't trust her right now. Plus besides being pregnant, she has 3 daughters with the 4th one coming.

Now a week or so before that, I had talked to my mom and asked her about the whole thing with getting a certified copy of my birth certificate since I needed it to get a state ID. She told me she would ask my sister Audry about getting it for me since she lived close to the city I was born in, in California. Now with my sister Audry (my moms daughter, which my mom has two other children, my brother Jorge and my sister Krystle ~don't trust her really at all for other reasons~), she said she would try and do it and the first day or so she didn't and the second day the same thing. There was the whole thing said about traffic and rain or something. I ended up having to order one from the place online. Had to pay for that too. Audry was another sister of mine who said she would help me if I needed some help or whatever. But there is still another to mention with this.

Okay and just about a week ago, I asked my mom to ask my sister Adrienne, (the sister my parents are living with in Washington State) if she could put a $20 in my bank account and that once I was in Job Corps and getting paid, that I would pay her back. My reasons for asking for the money was for female personal reasons. My mom understood why I asked her to ask my sister. Just like my dad, my sister is intimidating and scary, and hard to ask for things. Adrienne (My dads other daughter. My dad has actually two other children but I don't know them since they are like 6 or 7 years younger than my mom. My parents are 11 years apart in age) also told me that if I needed help that she would help me and that if I ever needed some money that I could ask her and she would put it on my bank account for me. But I waited like a day or so and texted my mom, asking about it and she said that she didn't reply back was because my sister Adrienne gave my mom a reply that she didn't like so she was going to figure out a way to get me some money and put it in my bank account. I still wonder what it was exactly that my sister said because why would she say no or whatever when she said she would help me out if i needed it. I understand she leaves for Iraq the end of this month and I also understand that they mainly use the money she gets for working in the army for bills and food but she didn't seem to tell me no herself or give some reason as of why that she couldn't. Because if she did, then I wouldn't be mad about it or anything and understand.

I honestly don't get why they say they will help but don't with these small favors. I have helped them out but why can't they help me with the small favors for these things? I mean it confuses me and frustrates me. It makes it hard for me to want to have trust in others, especially them when they are family. Yes, I know I tend to rant and stuff a lot in my journal/diary entries but I need somewhere to put it sometimes and writing it down on paper, doesn't always work too well for me.

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Now I think I will actually go back to trying to work on art and stuff to try and get myself calm and my mind just not thinking about things. And back to listening to a lot of video game and anime music, plus maybe find a scary movie or something online to watch.